It’s been so long since I’ve seen my friends. My old life feels like a dream now. The memories are so hazy and so solid at the same time. I get instant’s of breathlessness when I remember something, and the memory becomes so strong it blurs my reality. I find myself not knowing where I am, how I got here and no clue as to how to get back. It’s overwhelming, these feelings. They consume me and I don’t know how, o’ how do I just get over it? Get over the best years of my life?! I thought I’d finally settled down here, I thought I’d finally moved on, but I’m still nowhere near.
There’s this deafening silence that screams inside my head which blinds all the sound around me and I just stare ahead and sob, because tears just won’t come out. All of you guys, I miss you all so so much I can’t articulate no matter how much I try. I truly did have a good life, and I took it for granted. I believe that’s why it was taken away from me.
It becomes hard to breathe, to think, to see when all I feel is despair at what I’ve lost. When I was there, I was present. I was awake.
The air around me smelled sweet that day. A cigarette in my hand, and a coffee on the another while I sat down under the sun which didn’t feel warm at all but was somehow soothing to my senses. I sat alone that day, looked around and there were so many faces, with so many words and so many stories amidst them. I felt content and happy at that moment. The grass was cool beneath me and it’s smell was more than welcome.
The path in front of us was somehow always filled with people walking up and down and they always looked so busy. I’m sure, I looked so too on that path.
Every now and then a harsh breeze would come messing up my hair and I didn’t mind it at all. I was wearing my favorite top with some kick-ass boots. My makeup felt on point and I felt good about my look. At that moment, for once I couldn’t think of anything that could make it any better. I was content lying in the grass, hearing the conversations around me, tasting the sweet taste of golden Virginia strands mixed with the pleasant flavor of caffeine. I was for that minute, at peace with the earth and all its creations.